I had the most TERRIBLE nightmare the other night! It was so real that I shot right out of bed and went to check on my kids. It took forever to get back to sleep. Now, I don’t watch the news or CSI or anything having to do with child molesters or kidnappers because, well, because my children like to go outside and want to continue to do so.
So here’s my issue. When I gave birth to Bella, I went from easy-going, carefree, soon-to-be-new mom, to a paranoid, vulnerable, heart-outside-of-my-body mom. And then we had two more babies after that, just to make sure I fulfilled my maximum potential of anxiousness.
But I honestly believed it would get easier, because, you know, as babies grow to be toddlers, fevers and funky rashes that could be the deadliest form of Kawasaki’s disease, usually subside. And as toddlers get a little older, they stop sticking pennies and Barbie shoes and marbles in their mouths, or running away for no reason other than to give you a heart attack. And as children turn into teens, they’re more coordinated and don’t fall off their skateboards (or the couch) and break as many bones. And when teens turn 18 years old, when they finally earn the title of adulthood (ha), they know all the things and make all the good decisions and EVERYTHING is right with the world so I never have to worry again. Ahhh!! (Queue heavenly angels singing.)
Actually, THIS is exactly my issue. What no one told me when I became a mom—nor would I have understood if they had—is that I would never see a day without worry. NEVER. EVER.
So when I had the most TERRIBLE nightmare the other night, that I was married to a wife-beating-child-abuser, and that he was going to kill us if we tried to get away, and that my brave and fierce neighbor Mrs. Robertson broke us out and drove us to safety (thanks friend!), it makes PERFECT SENSE that my latest worry is this: how can I make sure that my daughter doesn’t find herself in an abusive relationship and that my sons never abuse their girlfriends/wives. And let’s take it one step further, just for good measure. How do I safeguard our incredible nieces and nephews? Or our sweet Godchildren? OR OUR GRANDCHILDREN?!?!
Are my issues becoming clear? Do I need to point out that we don’t have grandchildren, yet I have found a way to dedicate sleepless nights in their name?
In the off chance that I’m not alone, that someone else out there shares my open-invitation to fear, I’ve been trying to figure out how to let my kids grow up without the irrational need to influence every step of the way. (It's a process.) The news on the street is that we need to let them fail. That’s how they learn. That’s how they get tough enough to survive the real (big, scary, dangerous?) world. I hear that everywhere and I KNOW IT’S TRUE. But my heart's not so sure.
There’s a fine line between informing our kids of a sometimes-harsh reality and scaring them. There’s a balance between our desire to shelter them and their need to be prepared. And pretending that bad things can’t reach them if they stay inside the safe bubble we’ve worked so hard to fortify may help us sleep at night, but it won’t help them when that fragile bubble bursts. Which will happen, in some way, shape or form.
So here’s your take-away...Listen closely because I care about you and I think this is the only thing that’s going to save us all: the way to keep them safe is to realize that we can’t, and to stop trying. We don’t have control over everything that happens to them, not forever. And we need to redirect our efforts to a greater, more important cause: to teaching them how to fall, rebound, contemplate, change direction and grow.
We have to help them find the confidence to advocate for themselves, as well as the resilience to overcome defeat. They need to learn to use their voices to stand up for what’s right, but understand that sometimes, it won’t be enough. We have to show them we have faith in them, at the same time help them build their faith in God. And we need to provide them with the skills and tools to deal with disappointment, work through pain, manage anger and navigate worry. (Easy work, right?)
These things won’t dispel all of our fears, they won’t give us back our sleepless nights, but they will give us something else to focus our energy and attention on. Something much more lasting and impactful.
As a wise fish once said: “You can’t never let anything to happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.” I’m going to remember that one.
Be strong friends and have faith when you aren’t. And if you've found a way to navigate the worry, please share. We are each other's angels.